detours

This past weekend, I met up with a good friend of mine from college. Because of fate and inconvenience, this was the first time I had seen him since my wedding. And so much had changed! He's now the proud papa of two, with a dog, house and gold minivan.

Since meeting him, I've felt an odd sense of mourning. The time that has past, the roads that I've taken--all so different from the path I thought I was on 10 years ago. The what-if's of life seem to follow me like a funeral parade. What if Robert and I had stayed broken up that time? What if we had brought him to the doctor sooner? What if he had never had cancer?

And the answer to all of that is simple. Everything would've been different.

And I find myself grieving for the life that I'll never have. The life that seemed an apple pluck away but was really just an illusion. I realize that it was just like a fluffy white cloud in the sky--when you fall, you think it will cushion you but instead it disappears as you go right through.

But perhaps it is all for the best, as my feet and head are now watching the ground instead of the sky and I am walking one step at a time. I'll just be grateful I don't need a gold minivan for that.